Solutions

La trousse juridique du CAP, créée en collaboration avec des avocats spécialisés en litige familial et en droit de la jeunesse, est un outil complet qui s’adresse aux parents, aux intervenants et aux avocats qui désirent bien représenter leur client dans le cadre d’un conflit d’aliénation parentale.

Démystifiant chacune des étapes du processus judiciaire, on y présente d’une manière accessible et détaillée une foule de conseils pratiques en lien avec 

1. les précautions à prendre avant même de s’adresser aux tribunaux; 
2. le choix de se faire représenter par avocat ou d’agir seul; 
3. les procédures particulières lorsque le D.P.J. est impliqué au dossier; 
4. les types de demandes et mesures qu’on peut demander avant le procès;
5. la possibilité de recourir à un procureur à l’enfant; 
6. le déroulement du procès, la preuve et les comportements à adopter; 
7. la jurisprudence de la Cour du Québec en matière de protection de la jeunesse, de la Cour supérieure et de la Cour d’appel. 

On y a également inclus plusieurs rubriques de conseils et de stratégies gagnantes, des commentaires de parents ayant vécu l’aliénation parentale, ainsi que nos références d’experts et les ressources légales à consulter. 

Comptant 80 pages d’information utile, la trousse juridique se révèle alors indispensable pour toute personne vivant une séparation difficile et craignant l’aliénation parentale de leur enfant, ainsi que pour toute personne accompagnant une clientèle aux prises avec cette situation.

Voici en vidéo un aperçu des aspects légaux à considérer et une explication du contenu de la trousse : Viméo YouTube

The different words or actions suggested in the section "What to do? "are standardized and require that they be adapted to your child’s level of development. Adapt your answers according to their age.

The answers suggested in the section "What to do? "are generalized. Since each child is unique, do not hesitate to adapt your answers to the individual personality of the child.

There are a multitude of levels of motivation that can cause a parent to engage in a parental alienation campaign against the other.

The benign (unconscious) alienator who has no idea of ​​the impact of his actions on the child or the other parent to the motivated (conscious) parent who intentionally poisons his or her child for the purpose of eliminating, or to take revenge on the other parent.

There is also a great variability in the structure of the personality underlying the alienating parents; People with narcissistic personality, borderline personality, compulsive and antisocial behaviors. It is very important to know who you are dealing with and to understand how you react to that person. The alienating parent knows your reactions and very often knows exactly what to do or say to get a reaction from you that he will use to your detriment.

It is important to take the time to analyze and know your emotional status in relation to the other parent as well as your usual response type. Very often, your typical response, whether it be fear, contempt or any other response, signals a bad message to your child. You must work hard to build a different response that could prove to be an excellent antidote to the alienation of which you are a victim.

It is vital that your approach involve a sincere desire to stop the alienator parent's efforts to denigrate you through your child and never in order to disrupt the other parent's relationship with your child. Do not hesitate to consult a specialist therapist.

Never forget that your child is also a victim in this situation. It is quite normal to experience frustration or even anger but keep in mind that your child is manipulated to hate or fear you. Release your negative emotions elsewhere than in the presence of your child.

The best answer to coping with parental alienation is undoubtedly being a conscientious, loving and caring parent rather than trying to convince your child that you are.

At all times, your goal should be to become the best possible parent and be honest with yourself and open to suggestions about becoming the best version of yourself.

Your child may be extremely provocative and you will have to expect this and be as empathetic and creative as possible (see section ‘What to do’). This is not about being right, it is about preserving your relationship with your child.

When faced with a child who seems to lie, try to avoid calling him a liar, look for a more diplomatic way of expressing your doubts.

Each confrontation with your child can help keep you away from the child. This does not mean that you must accept all of your child's actions especially if they are inappropriate or unsafe.

In a normal family situation it would be acceptable to be a strict parent (being demanding and consistent at all times, having a positive reinforcement system and consequences, etc.).

Being a rejected parent, you do not have the freedom to choose the parenting practices that you think are the best because any actions or decisions could be criticized and exaggerated by the alienating parent.

Choose your battles and make sure that the limits you impose on your child are always necessary, defensible, reasonable and fully justifiable.

It is very difficult not to feel attacked or humiliated by our alienated child. The child can act in a very hurtful way, but throwing it back in their face would only make the situation worse.

Keep in mind that this has nothing to do with you, so you will have more ease to manage your emotions during difficult times.

Although you may have every reason to believe that your child will not be present for your next parental visit, it is essential to show up anyway. You cannot take the chance to be absent even once. These situations are golden gifts for an alienating parent, it is one more ammunition to support their campaign of parental alienation.

There is no word strong enough to describe the suffering experienced by a rejected parent. It can be a nightmanre that happens quickly, once incomprehensible and inconceivable but real and seems to last forever.

Moreover, as opposed to alienating parents, rejected parents are fully aware of the damage to their child's balance both in the short and long term and this adds to the feeling of powerlessness and guilt.

Being a rejected parent is a situation that should never be experienced alone, and your case is not unique.

• Join self-help groups in your area or social networks that provide comfort, support, legal advice and even useful references.
• Surround yourself with people who understand what you are experiencing and allow you to talk about it without being judged.
• Work hard to improve or at least prevent the situation from worsening.

Denigration is the most commonly cited strategy of parental alienation when researching adults who were alienated children.

What it is :

The alienating parent makes derogatory comments and contemptuous statements about the targeted parent and systematically raises all the shortcomings of the targeted parent without ever counterbalancing his words with favorable words.                     

What to do if this happens to you?:

Situation 1: When the other parent makes negative remarks about you in your presence and that of your child, you must seize the opportunity immediately and respond in front of your child. Recommandation 

Situation 2 : Your child reports negative comments from the other parent.  Recommendation 

For example, "Daddy told me that he left you because you cheated on him”. Though painful and uncomfortable, this moment offers you a perfect opportunity to interact with your child and neutralize the denigration. First, stay calm and listen to your child.

Situation 3 : If the allegation relates to your lack of love for your child, address it immediately.  Recommendation 

Situation 4 : If the allegation relates to an adult situation (eg adultery, drug use, financial arrangements, etc.), as a targeted parent you must use your judgment on what can be shared.  Recommendation 

Potential benefits:

• More than the content of your conversation is your attention, empathy and encouragement that the child will retain from these exchanges.
• It is also an opportunity to help the child develop critical thinking so that he or she can manage the next episodes of  denigrations. Show him that he can decide for and by himself what your relationship actually represents rather than accept unconditionally whatever others may say and think about you.

One of the most frustrating aspects of being a targeted parent is seeing visitation time and frequency with the child eroding.

What it is :

Limiting contacts can take several forms:

• The alienating parent who picks up the child 15 minutes earlier at each visit;
• Extreme action such as preventing the child from being with you at the times agreed upon visitation time or schedule: "Sorry, the little one cannot come today; he does not feel well / he has other plans / he must complete a school project ... "

What to do if this happens to you:

Situation 1: When the alienating parent cancels the time you have to share with your child. Recommendation

Response: Contact your child and let them know clearly that you want to keep in touch and that you are available at the times scheduled together. Avoid using language that blames the other parent: "I thought we'd spend time together last weekend, but you could not come. "

Situation 2: The alienating parent picks up the child before the planned pick-up time or when there is any other specific breach in the visitation plan. Recommendation

Response: Think of a creative way to circumvent the plan of the alienating parent. For example, turn off the doorbell and simply send the child to the scheduled time (not a minute late) or have a ritual of lunch outside the home and come back at the agreed upon time or play in the yard so the child does not hear the doorbell or the other parent knocking on the door.

It is important to document any offenses committed with respect to your custody time / access schedule and consult a lawyer. If the offender minimizes these seemingly minor offenses, educate him, tell him about the parental alienation phenomenon and if it does not work, consider finding a new lawyer.

Most children and parents like to keep in touch during the initial period of separation.

What it is :

Alien parents expect to communicate easily with their child when the child is with the targeted parent. They are much less receptive with the opposite situation and intercept communications (letter, card, call) before they go to the child.

Target parents often report that alienating parents constantly call the child during their stay with the targeted parent, which is perceived as an attempt to intrude during this privileged time with the child.

What to do if this happens to you:

Situation : 

• Your communications are cut off when you call the other parent to talk to your child;
• Your cards and letters sent to the child are discarded by the alienating parent;
• No contact with your child is possible when he or she is with the alienating.

Recommendation

Response: First let your child know that you are trying to contact him by simply asking, "Did you receive the card I sent you? Or mention to him that "I called last night and you could not take the call”. Avoid blaming and even mentioning the other parent.  Also avoid telling her directly: "Mom / Dad discards my cards and my letters. "

There are other creative ways to get around the interference of the alienating parent:

• Spend time with your child by choosing cards and small gifts that you will pack and you will go to the post office together. Your child will know that these packages have been mailed and that he should receive them.
• When your child is old enough to have his own email account, communicating electronically can be quite effective, as the alienating parent can not interfere as easily.

It is vital that communication with the child be motivated by a sincere desire to have contact with the child and not as a way to control the child when he or she is with the other parent.

For children, the meaning given to separation is as important as the separation time itself. Children need "symbolic communication" with the absent parent in order to maintain positive feelings towards him. Looking at pictures and talking about the targeted parent in his absence is a vital element of symbolic communication.

What it is :

Alienating parents are uncomfortable with symbolic communications. They refrain from talking about the targeted parent and will try to eliminate the photos of the targeted parent in their home.

What to do if this happens to you:

Situation : 

You believe that your child does not have pictures of you in their home, it is important to know without delay.

Recommendation 

Response:

1. Give a picture of yourself to the other parent in front of the child and ask him to let your child post it in his room. In front of the child, also invite the other parent to exchange pictures of him so that the child has pictures of his parents in both residences.
2. Have your photograph taken of you and your child(ren) together will make him proud and want to show it to his friends and family.
3. Send your child electronic photos by e-mail or create a photo website. The likelihood that the child will see and keep pictures of you increases.

Potential benefits:

• Shows the child that you are ready to do the same as the other parent if asked to do so.
• If the parent refuses to exchange pictures or discards the photos, the child will be able to see this for himself

It is unlikely that a child will spontaneously confess when confronted with this reality or that the targeted parent will directly witness such an event.

 What it is :

The alienating parent becomes punitive and emotionally distant when the child demonstrates any positive feeling towards the targeted parent. It makes the child feel, but does not tell him directly, that the price to pay for having a relationship with the targeted parent means loss of love, approval and affection. If the balance always seems to tilt in favor of the other parent, it is likely that your child is trying very hard to avoid an "emotional sanction" from the alienating parent.

What to do if this happens to you:

Situation : You see how much your child is trying to avoid the anger or disapproval of the alienating parent, even if it means that the child is depriving himself of something or disappoints you. Recommendation

Response: Simply name your child what you see. It is important that this does not look like an attack or a criticism towards the alienating parent: "You seem extremely worried about disappointing Mom / Dad. If possible, continue with: "Is it hard for you when Mom / Daddy is disappointed by or angry at you? What about when I'm angry or disappointed with you? "

Potential Impact:

• Your child becomes aware of the gap between the anxiety he feels when he is about to disappoint the alienating parent and the feelings he has towards you.

Adults who experienced parental alienation as children reported that this strategy proves to be most devastating when the targeted parent is already absent or so passive because the child can conclude it on its own.

What it is :

The alienating parent tells the child that the targeted parent does not love them.

What to do if this happens to you:

Situation : If you feel that your child doubts your love, you must show her and tell her many times with warmth and sincerity that you love her and how important your relationship is. Recommendation

Response: You could tell your child the following: "Sometimes, when parents divorce, children may be led to believe that one of their parents no longer loves them. Maybe you wonder about the love I have for you and want to know that I love you and will always love you. What do you think I could do to make sure you know I love you? "

Make sure your parenting skills are adequate. Keep lines of communication open with your child so that you can invite your child to share any discomfort arising from one of your behaviors that would upset him / her.

If the agreement of the court is written in sufficient detail, the alienating parent will have little opportunity to do so.

What it is :

Alienant parents create situations where the child participates in the rejection of the targeted parent, such as last-minute changes to plans.

What to do if this happens to you:

Situation : Your child phones to inform you that he will not come to the next visit or asks you not to attend his social, academic or sports event. Recommendation

Response: Avoid reacting in the heat of the moment. This will cause damage to the relationship. Instead, consult with your lawyer to discuss appropriate procedures. It is important to document each event.

Try a discussion with the alienating parent, even if it is unlikely to be effective. Nevertheless, this is an important first step in the process.

At the appropriate time, talk to your child about what happened: "I'm sorry we were not able to see each other last week. I was really looking forward to spending time with you. I was disappointed that we could not be together. I wonder what I can do to make this easier for you. "

Potential benefits:

• The child becomes aware of the consequences of his / her actions;
• The child learns what decisions must be made by moms and dads;
• Demonstrates to your child that you have tried to resolve the situation.

Children need to know and feel that their parents will take care of them and protect them whatever happens. Always set an example and behave safely in the presence of children.

What it is :

Another form of denigration used by the alienating parent is to assert to the child or imply that the targeted parent is dangerous.

What to do if this happens to you:

Situation : You hear the other parent say something to your child. Recommendation

Response: Correct this statement as if it were a simple misunderstanding: "Hello (name of other parent). I just heard you say to (name of the child) that I (insert the words suggesting you are dangerous). You know, I remember very well that it happened quite differently than what you're alleging. I remember ... We both did absurd things in our youth ... I'm glad that both of us are now more mature and cautious. "

If deemed appropriate with the child: "I wonder what it means to hear that I did this (insert action). Well, know that this is not exactly what happened and that I would never do anything of the sort now that I am a mom / dad and that you are in my life. End by inviting the child to share with you anything that he or she has heard about you.

It is unlikely that the alienating parent will tell you that he is confiding in your child about your behaviour.

What it is :

The alienating parent confides in the child as to the pain and suffering emanating from the alienating parent. The child feels emotionally involved and feels the need to reassure and protect the parent.

What to do if this happens to you:

Situation :Your child reveals to you information that can only come from the alienating parent or adopts an attitude that suggests an unhealthy alliance with the alienating parent as well as identification with his or her point of view.  Recommendation 

What it is :

The alienating parent creates situations in which the child feels forced to show favoritism towards the alienating parent and reject the targeted parent.

What to do if this happens to you:

Situation : You and the other parent are present at your child's soccer game during your visitation time. The alienating parent succeeds in keeping your child close to him when he is not on the field. Your child does not pay attention to you until the alienating parent leaves the premises. Recommendation

Response: You can sit near the alienating parent so your child does not have to choose. You could also tell the alienating parent in front of the child: "It must be difficult for (insert the name of the child) when we are so far away. What would you say if we get closer so that our child can be close to both of us. "

With your child, you can say something like, "Sometimes it seems hard for you to know where to sit or watch when we are all together. I want you to know that as far as I'm concerned, you do not have to choose between us. I know you like being close to Mom / Dad to talk to him as much as I do. Can I do something to make things simpler for you? It is important to me that you respect me even when we are all together. "

Benefits:

• Your child will be able to see that you have tried to make things easier for him;
• You show your child to behave appropriately with you

Do not give in to the temptation to withdraw from the event to avoid the humiliation of being rejected in front of friends and neighbors because it shows your child that it is more important for you to avoid the other parent.

What it is :

The other parent asks the child to spy on the targeted parent by accessing their documents and information that is of interest to the alienating parent. Areas of interest are usually consumption habits and social interactions.

What to do if this happens to you:

Situation 1 : You have a new job. Recommendation

Response: If you have a salary increase, consider talking to your lawyer and be proactive and forthright about it with the other parent. Conversely, if you change jobs which does not involve a salary increase, then you can share the good news with your child: "I'm very excited. I have a new job. I will earn the same salary, however the work will be more interesting and also closer to home, which will allow me to arrive earlier and spend more time with you. "

Benefits: This removes any pressure on the child to deliver this information or spy on you.

Situation 2 : You feel that your child is spying on behalf of the alienating parent. Recommendation

Response: You can tell your child something like, "I feel that you are looking at my personal documents. I wonder what you're looking for. "It's better to put your personal documents safely in a locked filing cabinet and make sure nothing is accessible for your child.

It is important that you implement these solutions with the intention of protecting your child from being responsible for a spying mission entrusted by the alienating parent rather than wanting to hide something from your child or the alienating parent.

What it is :

When the other parent asks the child to hide information from you. Unfortunately, this creates a psychological distance between you and your child.

What to do if this happens to you:

Situation 1 : You discover that your child is hiding information. Recommendation

Response: You can discuss it directly with him: "I think you have known for a while that (insert information kept secret), information that I have recently discovered. It's ok to keep some information, but it's inappropriate to hide information like (refer to the information that has been hidden from you). Do you know why this is inappropriate? (Wait for the child to explain or tell the child that it hurts you or any consequence due to the information kept secret) I'm sorry you felt the need to hide this from me. I wonder what I can do so that you do not feel the need to hide this information from me again. Do you have any ideas? "

Situation 2 : You surprise your child and he tells you that he did this at the request of the alienating parent. Recommendation

Response: It may also be useful to confront the alienating parent in front of the child. You might say something like, "You know, I think (insert your child's name) was looking for information that he thought you wanted to know. The next time you want to know my work schedule or my salary, just ask me. Yes, I got a new job, but there was no salary increase involved, which is why I did not mention it to you. Here is a copy of my statement so that you can see that this is the case”. This must be done in a light, non-accusatory tone.

Benefits: The child can see that you are acting as a mature adult must.

Some children will address their parents by their first name in a casual way. It is important to be sure of the source of this change before drawing a conclusion.

What it is :

Referring to the targeted parent by his first name, the alienating parent attempts to depreciate the status of the targeted parent in the child's eyes.

What to do if this happens to you

Situation : You hear the alienating parent call you by your first name or your child begins to call you by your first name. Recommendation

Response: Once you are sure that the alienating parent is the instigator, politely correct it in front of the child: "Please refer to me as Mom / Dad rather than my first name and I will do the same. This can be confusing for (insert the name of the child) that one begins to be called by our first names. "

 Discuss it with your child and let him know how important it is to you to be his mom / dad and that he is the only one who can call you that way. You might even say, "No matter how others call me, for you, I will always be Mom / Dad. "

It is unfortunate that in our culture and language there is no special name for the unique relationship the child has with a step-parent.

What it is :

When an alienating parent assigns the name of mom or dad to the step-parent. It is possibly an attempt by the alienating parent to eliminate the targeted parent by replacing him with a step-parent.

 What to do if this happens to you:

Situation: You hear the alienating parent name the new step-parent of your child as his/her mom / dad. Recommendation

Response: This is a serious abuse and should be addressed on the spot. The same answers suggested above apply. Mention politely to the other parent in front of the child: "There appears to be some confusion, because the teacher thinks that (insert name of step-parent) is the Mom / Dad rather than me. Let us try to be clear on this point. Thank you.

A discussion with the child is also appropriate: "I know you have feelings for (insert the first name of the step-parent) and it may be easier to call him/her that. I'd like to be the only person you call Mom / Dad. Why do you and (insert name of step-parent) not find a special name that only you can use for her / him?

What it is :

The alienating parent reduces the parenting role by withholding important information that should be shared with the targeted parent (or failing to include the name of the targeted parent on the official records). This strategy marginalizes the targeted parent in the eyes of the child.

What to do if this happens to you:

Situation: The school, doctor or coach refuses to share information with you about your child. Recommendation

Response: Avoid getting carried away by this injustice. You need these people to stay informed. Remain polite and make sure you do not disparage the alienating parent. You might say something like, "In some divorce cases it becomes complicated to keep track of both addresses and keep both parents informed. If you are comfortable, I would like to call you from time to time to make sure that I have everything I need and see if I can be of any assistance to you”. Stay proactive and keep up-to-date on upcoming events that affect you.

Situation: They continue to not share information with you despite your efforts. Recommendation

Response: Consider discussing the issue with your lawyer.

As a targeted parent you must maintain regular contact you’re your child’s school, doctor, coach, etc. To ensure you have all the updated schedules and information as a way to stay informed and involved. Make sure, when you connect with these people, that you are not, in any way, hostile, aggressive or accusatory.

What it is :

Alienating parents find a way to name their child (and make sure the also child does so) a different name from that agreed upon by both parents at birth.

What to do if this happens to you:

Situation: You notice a change of name for your child. Recommendation

Response :

1. Have a legal document state that each parent is required to call the child by his legal name. This should prevent the alienating parent from confusing others (teachers, doctors, etc.) about the identity of the child or his parents.
2. Politely remind the alienating parent before the child to use the child's official name;
3. Politely correct the child when using the wrong name. Do not forget to remain empathetic and say something like, "It must be confusing that your parents call you different names. How can I be useful to you to use your real name and that it is not confusing for you or others? "

Alienated children often speak of the alienating parent as if he were perfect, exceptional and above reproach. They also behave as if they were dependent on that parent in an inappropriate or useless way given their age and life experience.

It is this aspect of parental alienation that creates the impression that indoctrination has taken place.

What it is :

Alienating parents are able to develop dependency in their child rather than helping their child develop self-reliance, critical thinking, autonomy and independence which is typically what non-alienating parents do. Alienating parents behave as if their desire to see their child grow and develop in order to gain independence did not exist.

What to do if this happens to you:

Situation 1 : You feel that your child worships the alienating parent. He seems obsessed with obtaining permission or approval from the other parent or adopts the ideas and beliefs of the alienating parent without understanding or questioning them. Recommendation

Response: Find opportunities to help your child think for himself. Encourage your child to ask questions, always in a respectful way. Ask him some thought-provoking questions and listen carefully to his answers, as this will reinforce the fact that your child has something to teach you and that he has his own experience of the world.

Explore with him the ethical dilemmas as a way to encourage his natural desire to be an independent thinker. Allow your child to make decisions (ordering at the restaurant, choosing clothes, choosing books - as long as they are appropriate, etc.). As much as possible, help your child build a sense of pride. By doing this, you may help your child counter the attempts of the alienating parent to undermine his critical thinking and independence.

Situation 2 : Your child suddenly changes his or her mind or abandons a hobby or long-term interest in such a way that it aligns with the alienating parent’s plan. Recommendation

Response: Ask your child what motivates him / her to do this and share your surprise to see him or her give up something that has been pleasurable for so long.

You could also periodically ask your child if he or she does something just to please you in order to promote a parenting model that supports the development of his / her independence: "I hope you do not take violin lessons simply to please me. I really hope you do it for yourself. Of course, you have to be prepared for your child to admit that he or she wants to stop his or her lessons.

It is the key to understanding what one is experiencing, accepting one's rejected parenthood, knowing how to identify the right resources to prevent the worst, joining a support group and understanding that the child desires deeply -be even in relation to his rejected relative but can not admit it to anyone or to himself.

Make a phone call or send a text even though it may not be answered or to participate in a sporting activity despite the hostility of the child or alienating parent and continue to support your child financially, even though you feel that you have no ‘decision rights’. In short, it is to remain in the child's life despite his own pain and sadness and to continue to believe that all these little things that seem to make no difference can one day be the action that will change one day change the relationship.

It is to understand that his child is suffering and that he is also a victim. Such an understanding helps maintain an empathic mindset, love and respect for the child and also the idea of looking forward for reconciliation.

It means being patient and knowing how to balance each essential component to a successful reconciliation, thereby accepting the needs of the child above his / her own and understanding that the child will make his own journey and go at his own pace.

It is understanding that repairing a broken relationship involving parental alienation is not like repairing any other relationship where the excuses and desires to forgive the injured person are natural. The pain inflicted on the child, and the words and actions used, were under the control of someone else and the child can hardly articulate the means used to hurt you or apologize.